Dec. 19th, 2016

eilonwy2017: (Silly Gosling)
The memorial service for [livejournal.com profile] tamnonlinear was last week. It was incredibly helpful, in some ways. I'm grateful her family hed one; they weren't sure at first that they would. There was a slideshow of photos of Tam, for which I'm grateful since I have only a couple of pictures of her. (Tam hated being photographed. Since I don't like to be either, it wasn't something I pushed. I have far more pictures of her cats than I do of her.) I met some of Tam's other friends and fellow volunteers, which was good. Just seeing a fraction of the lives Tam touched was helpful. She would have hated the memorial itself, I think, but I think perhaps these sorts of things are for the people left behind.

I've been thinking a lot about what there is besides the now. I know that Abby did not believe in more than this life, which makes my grief more painful, in a way. I hope that there's more beyond this. I believe that there is. I want to believe that we'll see our loved ones again, that I'll see Abby again. To know that she didn't believe that takes away some of my dealing-with-grief strategy.

(I'm having trouble with words today.)

Abby is the person who persuaded me to listen to Hamilton. I'd heard of it elsewhere and planned to get around to listening to it at some point, but Abby was the person who actively talked about it with me and persuaded me. Her glee and enjoyment of the minutae-- historical and musical and dramatic-- was addicctive. For the last year, I listened to Hamilton nearly constantly.

I've barely been able to listen to it since Abby's death. I've made six ten-hour drives in the past month. Previously, Hamilton was my go-to driving music. Now I've managed to listen to it once, over the span of two of those drives. Too much of it its too close to home. Individual lines stick out in ways that they hadn't before, and I'll think about Abby and just burst into tears. (See the subject line, for example.)

It's not just Hamilton of course. I'll look out at my garden and remember planting the spring bulbs while on the phone with Abby. I'll post something online and catch sight of the user icon for this post ("silly gosling") which Abby made for me. (I don't remember entirely why-- and that hurts. It had to do with being like a silly goose but not as bad.) The keys to her house are still on my key ring.

I'm functioning now. I'm tending to cry only once or twice a day instead of constantly. But part of me doesn't want to be happy, not really. I'll catch myself smiling and just feel awful because of it. My friend is gone, the world is worse because of this, and being happy feels like a betrayal of that and of her.

I looked up to Abby. I'm an only child, so I don't have the ingrained feeling for the word 'sister' that most people do, but I don't think I'm stretching things too much to say that I thought of her like an older sister. (I don't say that to lessen her relationship with her actual siblings.) This loss has flattened me in ways that I can't really express. I miss her so much.

I'm not making much sense.

Let me just finish by writing an update on Abby's cats. Kala and Caliel are doing well in their new home, according to Abby's SIL. Kala has become outgoing and well-adjusted. Caliel has claimed a room to himself and is relatively reclusive but seems happy.

Jaimie and Jasper were with me for about 10 days. They were a true comfort because they're lapcats and sweethearts.  They've since been delivered to their new home with [livejournal.com profile] pyrite and are doing really well. They both sit in her lap (at the same time!) and have gotten a pretty clean bill of health from their first vet visit. They'll need a dental cleaning soon, and fingers crossed that there aren't any surprises there, but so far so good.

And that leaves me with Jessie and Mia. There's no real change there. They're terrified of me and everything else. But they're eating well and I can hear them out of hiding when I'm not in the room. I tried to move them to the guest room (so that they'd have more space and I'd be more comfortable when hanging out with them) but that went ... incredibly badly. I scared those cats so badly (unintentionally) that I was sobbing and felt like I'd let Abby down. (I was also crying due to the scratches in my arms...)  So the two continue to live in my home library. I'm about to leave town for a couple weeks, and I feel guilty about that. A good friend will be checking on Mia and Jessie every day, though. (I'm taking my other three cats with me.) When I get back, I'm going to make a kind of schedule, wherein I hang out with Jessie and Mia, even though they'll avoid me, for at least an hour a day. I don't know when they'll be ready to be part of the bigger household, but they'll always be safe, at least.

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Dec. 19th, 2016 10:35 pm
eilonwy2017: (Default)

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