eilonwy2017: (ateam no plan b)
When [livejournal.com profile] moobie and I were in high school and the early years of college, we watched a lot of movies, most of them bad, purely for the sake of seeing particular actors in them. I shan't tell you which actors, although from the list you'll know precisely who they are. We then rated the movies on a scale of one to five-- except that we totally ignored the scale. We had a big piece of green posterboard upon which Moobie wrote the ratings in black marker (but also decorated with colored markers.) (Moobie did the writing because Catholic school had imbued in her a perfect handwriting that mine just could not match.) We also had a quote board, full of weird commentary often made while under the influence of massive amounts of caffeine and sugar during these movies. Both boards were torn up by my cat, Jack. Then with all the moves, I thought both boards were lost. However, while searching my craft/storage closet for yarn the other day (particular yarn, not just any yarn. Just any yarn is easy to find in there.) I came across the On a Scale... board.

And now, with Moobie's permission, I share it with you.

ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 5:

MASQUERADE gets an "Um?"

BAD INFLUENCE gets a "He's not evil, he's just ... evil."

THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK gets "3 Musketeers, 2 Leos, 1 D'Artagnan, & a misunderstood Edward Atternton."

ABOUT LAST NIGHT gets an "I want one!"

SMILLA'S SENSE OF SNOW gets a "He was cute before he died."

ENEMY OF THE STATE gets a "Gabe can drive my taxi anytime!"

POINT OF NO RETURN gets a "Hi. I'm Bob."

LIVING N PERIL gets "rat piss."

HOTEL NEW HAMPSHIRE gets "um... ew?"

CRAZY SIX gets a "whafuck!?"

HELLO AGAIN gets "a big hairy thing with fangs."

MULLHOLLAND FALLS gets "4 men in fedoras and the Fedoramobile!"

STROKE OF MIDNIGHT gets "a night of wine, song, and cheese."

MILLER'S CROSSING gets "grifter parents, grifter grandparents, and little grifter kids."

CLASS gets "two men in women's underwear and Rob playing a screech owl."

ON DANGEROUS GROUND gets "more fun than EuroDisney."

THE STAND gets "geetars in the carn."

THIS IS THE SEA gets "ears in places you would not imagine."

EXCALIBUR gets "an evil Uther, a golden clown, and a metal skull cap."

AMERICAN PSYCHO gets "alcohol free aftershave lotion."

SQUARE DANCE gets "your mama's hair on a Mexican ina spermatozoa dress."

POLISH WEDDING gets "a Polish posse with hockey sticks."

---

It says something about either me or these movies that I remember very little about any of them.
eilonwy2017: (Default)
Okay, so I'm two weeks too late for this to be a particularly timely review, but c'est la vie-- no one pays me to see movies after all. :) This afternoon (well, evening, 'cause inexplicably the advertised 3:55showing was non-existent, so I came home and read until the 6:05) I took myself to see Jonah Hex. There were 5 other people in the theatre with me, which felt odd.

I kind of wish I hadn't read any reviews because I went in expecting a bad movie, which is rarely a good start. And mind you, the reviews were mostly right. But I guess the reason I'm still commenting is because it could have been a good movie-- it really could have.

Quick Recap: Jonah Hex )

Got it? Good.

Here's what went wrong, in my EVER so humble opinion )


--------
*It's a pretty amazing horse. I mean, not only does it look far more delicate than I would have chosen for a fairly big guy like Hex/Brolin PLUS his hyooge weaponry (no, not a euphamism), but those guns going off would definitely have deafened that poor horse, and yet later he answers Hex's whistle.

**I couldn't fit it in elsewhere (due to the fact that I rarely revise LJ entries-- sorry!) but the whole confederate thing leads to the most uncomfortable moment in the film. Hex goes to see a gunsmith, who he calls Smith. The actor (Lance Reddick) seemed to be the only one who was having any fun with this film, in his 2minutes. He was all, "You get uglier every time I see you! No, don't smile, you'll break all the mirrors!" Smith, however, is black, and this leads to the apology moment-- he says to Hex "I know you fought for the secession because you don't like having someone telling you what to do," and that he didn't do it for slavery. Other, smarter, people have already written about this scene, but since I can't find the review I'm thinking of, give it some thought. Yes, there were a lot of reasons people fought for the South, but if you fought for one you were fighting for all of them, and that sure as hell included slavery. And to have a black character tell this killer who still wears the confederate uniform that, well, he's surely different? That's ... yeah.

***This moment felt very third season Supernatural to me, a point that was enforced later when Hex is almost-dead and his eyes glowed all Yellow Eyed Demony. Also, did I mention that Dead Jeb is played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan?
eilonwy2017: (Cow Destruction!)
(Continuing the Sean Bean movie spree.)

So, it's a horror movie, and Sean Bean is the guy trying to kill the two teens-- I know this much from the movie description. I therefore predict that Sean Bean's character will be dead before the credits role. However, because I'm annoying like that, I'm going to blog as I watch. (You can probably tell I don't have high hopes for this flick.)

Five minutes in and we've had two deaths. The second didn't bother me-- it was a giant bug on a windscreen. The first, however, was a bunny hit by a car and I am not okay with that. But it's better than the dog in Far North because it wasn't premeditated.

Two perky college teens on a roadtrip? I'd probably want to kill them too, if I were hitchiking with them.

They almost hit a guy in the middle of the road, in the pouring rain and then they just drive off? Rude! (Probably not "i will kill you!" rude, but still, rude.)

Boy-Protagonist has some stupid hair. (Not as stupid as say Jared Padalecki in House of Wax, but still, very stupid.) Cut because I can't imagine anyone cares, but hey, snark! )

I gotta say, this really doesn't seem like Sean Bean's usual kind of film. I mean, he's done some terrible ones before, and he's done at least two other horror films (Silent Hill and The Dark) but this one is such a typical slasher flick, and so far his character is so stupidly boringly unmotivated that it's a strange choice. (He claims to want something, and the Moron Teens have finally twigged to him wanting something, but... eh.)

Anyway, I'm bored enough by said film that I can't even properly snark at it, so I'm going to pause now 'til either something interesting happens or until Sean Bean suffers his inevitably complicated and gory death.

BWAHHAAHAAAA. I'm sorry, but Sean Bean driving up in a black mustang with the soundtrack wailing NIN's "Closer?"!? Quite possibly one of the funniest and most surreal things I have ever seen. There are now cop cars flying all over the place and Trent Reznor is insisting that he wants to fuck you like an animal and Sean Bean is shooting down a helicopter with a handgun, and this is just hilarious. HAAAAAA.

More Observations 'cuz I can't crochet what I was going to crochet at present )

Short version: REALLY stupid movie. Not great American accent. Death by bullet in the head. Really quite awful film.
eilonwy2017: (Bad Idea)
For those who are curious, the Sean Bean Movie Villian Death Count continues with 2005's The Island. Since the movie opens with Ewan Macgregor as the protagonist, and sets up Sean Bean's character as the head of the complex in which MacGregor's character is clearly unhappy, two things became immediately clear. (Well, three things if you count MacGregor's awful attempt at an American accent.) First, that Bean would be the villain and second, that he'd be dead by movie's end.

I was correct. So, we have another American movie with the only English character being evil, and a convoluted death sequence in which Sean Bean's character fights Ewan MacGregor's, and then gets tossed off an immensely high location, only to be strangled by the chain that gets wrapped around his neck.

I'm telling you, it's a conspiracy. (Although I have it on good authority [which is to say, from [livejournal.com profile] tsuki_no_bara] that while Sean Bean is evil in National Treasure, he does not, in fact, end up dead. I may need to bump this movie to the top of the netflix queue in order to satisify my curiosity on this fact, even though it will destroy my (not-very) clever theory.)
eilonwy2017: (Crazy: CM Diana Reid)
I know I should probably be working on the dissertation tomorrow, but...

I have rehearsal at 12noon. Then I'm going to a matinée of Shutter Island with Flurry.

After that, I think i will be taking (and posting) pictures of my newest yarn!chester because this particular creation makes me giggle. Also, it has allowed for several new ideas for Yarn!chester scenes. Mwahahahaha.

And, while I might not actually start the next one tonight, I'm about to head over to Flurry's to watch some Olympics, and I'm bringing the appropriate yarn with me. I plan on doing a puzzle, but should I get bored or frustrated, well, it'll be time to work on the next yarn!chester.

Tomorrow I also need to prep for English 101, and sew on the eyes and make the buttons for ami!Flaggypants. Then he'll be all done and ready to ship off to NYC to wreak havoc. Mmm, havoc.

Havoc is a weird word.

Also, I have so totally been on a Sean Bean kick lately. In the past week I have watched, in order:

Sharpe's Challenge: I'd seen this one before, but now I saw it with the critical lenses regarding colonialism and the Other and such built up since getting to ASU. While I'm still a bit icked by a British movie about a British soldier being made, set in India, putting down insurrections, I thought they handled it relatively even handedly, particularly since the Big Bad was also British. Also, seeing Padma Lakshmi somewhere other than Top Chef was a bit weird. I tend to watch Sharpe movies with half my attention-- the long battles, rides and babble of Napoleonic war maneuvers I let slide by, whereas anytime that Sean Bean is on screen, I'm fairly happy. (Also, Harper rocks.) [Of course, I can't think of Sharpe without thinking of Harper saying, of Theresa, Sharpe's wife in many of the movies, "They call her The Needle. Don't ask why." And they never do say why. NEVER.]

Don't Say a Word: As I said before, basically an okayish movie wherein Sean Bean plays an inexplicable bad guy and has a needlessly complicated death.

The Dark: Amazingly SB survives this one, and damn is he hot in this one, but, in my ever so humble opinion, the movie fails in the way that nearly all horror movies fail for me-- in its unsatisfactory ending. It had some nicely creepy bits which reminded me of why I almost never watch horror movies alone, but then it all just fizzled out. Also, it irritated me greatly that the female protagonist left the tea kettle in the attic, and the camera lingered on it significantly, but then it never came into play. The ending reminded me of the ending of another SB horror movie, Silent Hill. (Another movie I saw almost entirely because SB was in it, but actually enjoyed, except, as with so many of the genre, the ending.)

Clarissa: I was prepared to hate this one-- I hated the book after all. (I'd had to read it in an 18th Century novel class in college.) I honestly can't tell you if the miniseries is faithful to the book or not, having, apparently, promptly forgotten everything about it except that it is a) an epistolary novel and b) there's at least once scene at a garden gate. The miniseries keeps the garden gate (yay?) and does, indeed, have the heroine constantly write letters. I also was prepared to hate it because, and you know I love me some Sean Bean, but he is not the 18th century gentleman type, he's more the rogue (the Richard Sharpe or the gardener form Lady Chatterly, if you will.) That said, and stuipd hair aside, I actually enjoyed the series, even if only because I was laughing at it. It failed in what the book's author wanted-- which is to say, you're supposed to sympathize with Clarissa. Instead, while I certainly didn't wish ill on her (and ill does very much happen), I mostly thought she was a stuck up, snobby, holier-than-thou figure who made bad choices. As for Sean Bean's character, he had fantastic clothes, I enjoyed watching him fence, and he was definitely the best part of the movie. That said, he was also a thoroughly despicable character by the third (fourth?) episode. (Until that point, it was difficult to tell whether he was lying to Clarissa or to himself-- whether he would reform.) For those counting the Sean Bean death toll, yes, he dies at the end of this one, too.

North Country: I just finished watching this one. Weirdly, until reading the synopsis on Netflix, I'd had it in my head that this was a British movie, but no, it's set in the coal country of Minnesota. This is fine-- I'm actually fascinated by coal mines, and I'd knew I'd be interested in a movie about prosecuting sexual harassment, and women's rights. And in fact it 's a very good movie, which I enjoyed a great deal. However, being a movie set in the coal country of Minnesota, Sean Bean is rather ... inexplicably British. That said, his character's relationship with Frances McDormand's character was fantastic, and I thoroughly enjoyed all of his scenes, few though they were.

Speaking of Sean Bean, no, I do not plan on seeing the Percy Jackson movie just 'cause he's in it, although I do enjoy hearing his voice/accent in the previews. Also, why the heck isn't Sharpe's Peril, which I admittedly didn't know existed 'til just now, on DVD? It was filmed/released in 2008, that's plenty of time to get me my Sharpe fix!! (Evidently it takes up immediately where Sharpe's Challenge left off.

Not all the movies on my Netflix queue have Sean Bean in them, mind you. (Some have Thomas Gibson or Jack Davenport, after all.) But I am returning all three of my most recent discs (North Country and disc two of Clarissa, as well as Master and Commander, which I adored in that it was about sailing ships, about which I have an even more unhealthy fascination than with coal mines, but hated in that it was all people standing around going, Um.... and then something interesting happening, followed by more Um.... with a plot that just slowly collapsed like a flan in a cupboard.) This means that I will be getting three at once back in the mail, one of which is a Jack Davenport film (The Incredible Journey of Mary Bryant (British actor crush? Check! Costume drama? Check! Sailing ships? Check! People deported to Botany Bay? Check!*) and the other two are Sean Bean (The Island and Flightplan, neither of which I have high hopes for.)

I really ought to create a proper list of Sean Bean movies I've seen, his part in them, and whether he survived the film. I'm pretty sure he dies in at least 50% of them-- more if you don't count the Sharpe's movies. Then again, I think it also has to do with whether the film is British or American-- in the latter, he gets killed, often in interesting ways (I'm thinking GoldenEye as the most obvious example), but in the former, he's generally more the dashing, debonair love interest.



*the transportation of prisoners to Botany Bay and the creation of Australia is on my list of "inexplicable interests" along with coal mining, NYC at the turn of the century, and sailing ships, with or without pirates. Why? NO CLUE. Well, I sometimes know where the interest comes from but not why it stuck, or grew into such a fierce interest. Oh well. I never claimed to be logical.
eilonwy2017: (Cow Destruction!)
My opinion? Sean Bean plays another inexplicably evil character and dies another needlessly complicated death.

Also? It was *so* the sort of movie that [livejournal.com profile] moobie and I would watch together in my parents' living room, while eating nachos and drinking tons of Coke and making fun of it. It was very sad that she wasn't here with me to see it.

(Hey Moobster? I've been here almost four full years and you haven't visited me yet. What's up with that?)
eilonwy2017: (Sam Oh. Really.)
Really? Really?

See, I should start by saying, I was really enjoying this movie. I don't expect much in the way of horror films, so the fact that this one started with a bang, starred Jensen Ackles, and didn't telegraph (at first) where it was going, made me happy. Also, the fact that it was clearly set in coal country PA, which is essentially where I grew up (or, well, not far from it, to be more accurate), also made me happy. (Mind you, this is from the girl who is terribly intrigued by Centralia.) I wasn't arguing against the fact that JA was down to one layer in one scene, either (considering the 3 or 4 layers more common in SPN.)

Spoilers )

All in all, a movie I only need to see once. Which is a shame because, had the ending been pretty much anything else, I'd have wanted to see it again, and maybe even bought it so that I could see it in 3D.

I wonder just what percentage of American horror films are set in PA? (Okay, so I'm stretching-- I don't know that this one was technically set in PA, but it filmed there, and we're just chock full of coal mines. And Silent Hill probably never says it was in PA, but it was originally called Silent Hill: Centralia, so I'm counting it. And then there's all of M. Night Shyamalan (or however his name is spelled), although I'm not sure you can count all of his movies as horror. I dunno.) Do people just find PA scary? Or convenient?
eilonwy2017: (Bother!)
Shockingly, Devour makes a lot more sense the second time around. Mind you, that doesn't make it a good movie, just one that's not quite as "Wuh?" as originally viewed.

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