tag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579Mouse's House(oddly full of cats)eilonwy20172021-01-13T21:21:21Ztag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1762592Oppression Olympics and Magical Math2021-01-13T21:21:21Z2021-01-13T21:21:21Zconfusedpublic4 I have lots I want to write about, but not a lot of time or energy, so I'll focus on one specific moment that just happened. I've been talking a lot with Actor-Guy; in fact, I'm not currently talking to anyone else. I'm still on some dating apps, because who knows, but right now my energy is going into getting to know Actor-Guy. (Also, Actor-Guy is not really an appropriate nickname; it should really be Theatre-Education-Guy, but that would be a pain to type.) [We still haven't met because we live 2 hours apart and also, oh yeah, global pandemic.]<br /><br />I've started the semester and am teaching one of my classes in person (a story for another post, perhaps), and so in preparation and in starting, I've been talking more about, well, my job. And since my job is in education, and Actor-Guy has also worked in higher education, we've talked a fair bit about academia and such. <br /><br />I suppose I should say here that I have multiple post graduate degrees. I have a Masters of Letters in teaching, a Masters of Fine Arts in directing, and doctorate in English Literature. This will be relevant in just a moment-- I'm not just sharing my educational background for the hell of it. <br /><br />In the middle of a conversation yesterday, Actor-Guy asks, "I assume you consider yourself a feminist?" <br /><br />We've already talked about feminism, so he knows I do (and he considers himself one, too), but rather than be rude and say "didn't we already talk about this", I just said yes, curious as to why he was asking. <br /><br />It turns out that AG has been talking about me to at least one of his friends. (This is totally fine. I'm writing about him in a blog, after all.) And this friend, a self-proclaimed feminist, told him that he should not pursue me romantically because I have more education than he does, and that my dating someone with fewer degrees would have a negative impact on me. In fact, she said, if he were to date me, that would be, and I really am fucking quoting here, "an act of oppression." <br /><br />I've seen some weird takes before, but I have to say this one surprised me. <br /><br />More than that, she said it to AG as if this was something every progressive and feminist should know because it's just obvious and that it's a widely shared thought. <br /><br />My response, and I apologized for it afterward because I suppose I was insulting his friend, was "That's the stupidest "feminist" take I've ever heard." <br /><br />(To be fair, when I was less in the moment, I was reminded that actually TERFs have the stupidest "feminist" take, but nevermind that for the moment.) <br /><br />But seriously, what the fuck? And he asked me not to be mad at the friend as she was looking out for me. I'm just glad I don't know what friend this is so that if I ever meet her I won't immediately judge her and demand "WTF?"<br /><br />Conversation continued, though, and it was clear that AG was really worried about this and about the differences in the numbers of degrees we have, and wouldn't I rather be with someone who is my intellectual peer? I pointed out that education does not equal intellect, and that we've been talking for weeks now, so <em>obviously </em>I think he's my peer. Also, I know multiple people who have doctorates who I think are not particularly intelligent. I said I couldn't date someone who doesn't value education, but that, too, is different than having a bunch of degrees. <br /><br />Eventually he changed the topic to music. <br /><br />What I didn't say, but thought of later when I was recounting this story to another friend, is that not only does education not equal intelligence, but in fact it rests on a whole host of other factors. What does it say about me that I have a PhD? It says that I had enough <strong>privilege </strong>(money, educational background, etc.) to be able to spend years on academic thought. Sure, it also says I put in the work and that I was smart enough to do this very specific kind of educational intellectualism, but that's only one of a billion ways of demonstrating intellect, and one that, given opportunity, a lot more people could achieve. (Not that I would recommend doing so just now, given the state of modern academia, but that, too, is for another post.) <br /><br />There's enough <strong><em>actual </em></strong>oppression out there, like the gender wage gap, particularly for women of color. We don't need to be inventing new not-actually-oppressive things to shame people for. We don't need to put advanced degrees on such a pedestal that their earners must be protected from the hoi polloi.<br /><br />I don't want to say too much about what I know of AG's background because it's not my place, but suffice it to say that he has done things that I have not and could not and he didn't have all the privileges I did. He does have degrees that I'm extremely impressed by, but even so they don't measure his intelligence any more than if he had a PhD. Before he explained what he seemed to be worrying about (the act of oppression... sigh), he pointed out that I probably didn't have a lot of intellectual equals to choose from, that there aren't a lot of single PhDs just floating about. I joked that I do work at a university with a med school, so maybe I should pick up an MD, but even then I would consider them a slacker because where are their masters degrees, too? I hope it was obvious that I was joking, that I'm not so much a snob that I require multiple advanced degrees to speak with me (I mean, geez), and that there's no magical equation based on education (or anything else) that says if two people are compatible or equals. (And in the end, that's what I said-- that if we're not a match, it won't be because of a difference in education.) <br /><br /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1762592" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1762449Texting with Strangers2020-12-27T23:23:23Z2020-12-27T23:23:23Zpublic3 Really this is just a follow up to yesterday's post about dipping my toes into the world of online dating. <br /><br />Surprisingly, Military-Intelligence Guy showed up again and wants to start chatting via text (instead of app.) I haven't responded yet. <br /><br />Photographer-Guy sent me an audio message that seems to be detailed explanation about the trials and tribulations he's having in starting his new job, but I didn't listen to all of it because I was with my parents and grandparents all day. <br /><br />Have barely messaged with Life-Goals Guy, but in the handful of things we have said, he managed to ask again if I needed or wanted a roommate; we could drink together on weekends. (This was in response to me saying I felt like drinking due to family things.) Knowing that he doesn't currently have a job or a home, these repeated mentions of moving in with me have really started to bother me. <br /><br />And I've spent most of the day chatting with Actor-Guy. We talked about mental health and favorite Shakespeare plays and our childhoods and what we're looking for in a partner. So far, his major flaws seem to be that he doesn't like the show <em>Slings & Arrows</em>, he's way too fond of Samuel Beckett, and he doesn't like Disney. That last one is a little concerning but so far no deal breakers. :)<br /><br />I usually manage to self-sabotage these sorts of things, but currently I'm feeling kind of hopeful about Actor-Guy. Obviously it's too soon to know anything really other than that I would like to meet him, but that's a start.<br /><br type="_moz" /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1762449" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1762191Dating in the Time of Covid2020-12-26T19:19:41Z2020-12-26T19:19:41Zconfusedpublic0 I haven't dated anyone since I moved to KY. (I flirted with one person for a while and it seemed like a possibility, until one night after we'd be laughing and flirting and drinking, he basically told me that he didn't want his boss involved with his love-life, and since his boss <em>had</em> tried to set us up, I took the message, and we've not hung out since.) <br /><br />I didn't leave behind any great love in AZ, either, but I'd seen some people and even had a 6month-ish relationship. (And the implosion of that, due to my awkwardness and probably a fear of commitment, is a story for another time. I hope he is doing well, though.) <br /><br />But a couple weeks ago, I got a haircut. I don't change much when I see my stylist-- I have long hair that I don't want cut short. For the past year and a half, the underside of my hair has been bleached/dyed blue and I've been getting my gray hair (sigh) covered, going slightly darker than my natural color. I still didn't make a huge change this time around-- we dyed the last 6 inches or so of all of my hair blue and I got bangs. (Sort of curtain bangs, sort of just long/in my eyes bangs. Honestly, I hated seeing forehead in the Zoom camera during meetings.)<br /><br />(Did you know that there's a whole BOOM in the plastic surgery business right now? Apparently people REALLY hate seeing themselves in the Zoom boxes. At least I just got bangs and not a nose job or something.) <br /><br />Anyway, I thought I looked pretty good, and the overwhelmingly positive responses I received to the photograph I posted to Facebook bolstered that feeling, so I thought, what the hell, now's a good time to try online dating again. <br /><br />(I'm not looking for someone to complete me. I think 1+1=2. But if I could find someone with whom to be a team? A partner? A friend and lover? Yeah, thtat'd be awesome.) <br /><br />.... Trying to date after 6 years via app in the middle of a pandemic and a week before leaving town is PEAK Eilonwy. Good job me. <br /><br />Anyway, it's been 2 1/2 weeks and it's been interesting. It reminded me some things about myself (like how I overthink everything) and also has shown me that people who are single in their 40s probably are for a reason (myself included.) <br /><br />A run-down of the people with whom I've spoken so far (all via text, although in one noticeable incident via audio)<ul><li><strong>Photographer-Guy</strong>: My first impression on seeing his photo was HOLY FUCK THIS GUY IS OUT OF MY LEAGUE. He's gorgeous. And he loves travel and is liberal and his photography (his profile linked to his instagram) is also gorgeous. And he messaged me back! (I started by using Bumble which requires the woman to make the first move.) I was giddy at first. But then, like 3 days in, he sent me a video of himself doing karaoke (alone in his house) and he mostly talks about going to the gym. When I wished him a Merry Christmas and asked how he was spending it, his response was a 2 minute audio message about cooking 40 pounds of beef and separating the fat from it and .... hell, I don't know. I don't eat meat so I tuned out. He's all for getting dinner when I get back into town (I'm out of state visiting my parents for 3 weeks), but I'm reluctant, partly because of the pandemic and partly because... what the hell will we talk about? As a friend said, we may have already figured out why he's hot but single. I tried asking about his photography but he didn't respond (despite making sure I'd seen his insta).</li></ul><br type="_moz" /><br type="_moz" /><ul><li><strong>Actor-Guy</strong>: We started talking on OKCupid (I realized that I didn't like making the first move over on Bumble.... and you get a lot more information about a person on OKC if they filled things out, whereas there's no place to even do that on Bumble). Conversation started slooooooooow. I messaged him about House of Leaves, a book by Mark Z. Danielewski that he referenced on his profile, and it took about 3 days of one-message-a-day to get beyond that. But as of Christmas Eve we've been talking more and have just switched over to text messages instead of the app's system, so that seems a step in the right direction. And he hasn't sent me karaoke or asked to join me in my life goals. (You'll see.) </li></ul><br type="_moz" /><br type="_moz" /><ul><li><strong>Military Intelligence Guy</strong>: Another OKCupid find, he messaged me. If he is the state of our military's intelligence, I fear for our country. He seems incapable of remembering what we'd already talked about-- even though it was in text that he could look back at-- or at understanding what I'd said. I wished him a Merry Christmas yesterday (not everyone is good in writing, right?) but haven't had a response, so I think this one is over. I'll certainly survive. </li></ul><br type="_moz" /><br type="_moz" /><ul><li><strong>Corps-of-Engineers-Guy:</strong> This one is actually a disappointment. He messaged me on OKC and we had a great conversation for one evening and then he disappeared. Which sucks because he was smart, funny, liberal, and attractive. Oh well. </li></ul><br type="_moz" /><br type="_moz" /><ul><li><strong>Mandalorian-Guy</strong>: This one's a bit of an enigma because we haven't talked much. He started by messaging me about The Mandalorian (hence the name) and we haven't really gotten much farther than that, although he does have 3 cats and wasn't weirded out by my admission of 5. He went quiet for a few days so I figured that was the end of it, but popped up again today, so who knows? </li></ul><br type="_moz" /><br type="_moz" /><ul><li><strong>Academic-Career-Guy</strong>: This one started super promising. Yeah, he was 2 hours away from where I live (I had to set the radius quite large because I live in the middle of nowhere), but he was in academia (administration) and was from where I currently live. We had a lot of interests in common and had a fabulous first conversation. We're still, nominally, talking, but since that first conversation, his EVERY SINGLE MESSAGE has been about how he got a job interview, a job offer, or how he's going to get a great next job. This is particularly galling because as someone in academia he must know that it's not the same out there for faculty. EVEN WHEN I TEXTED HIM MERRY CHRISTMAS, his response was about how he hadn't gotten any concrete offers before Christmas, so his gift was a bag of anxiety. He's super attractive and smart, but I'm so done. If he messages me again (and it's not about job offers) I'll respond, but otherwise, nope.</li></ul><br type="_moz" /><ul><li><strong>Life-Goals-Guy</strong>: This one has had a lot of different names already. We matched on OKC and I was intrigued because not only did we agree on the big things (ie: politics, climate change, equality/equity) but we also seemed to complement each other, um, sexually. I think that's all I'll say about that because this journal is public now and it probably wouldn't take too much to link it to my actual self. But anyway, this seemed really promising! We had days of great conversation about the Big Stuff! We switched to text from the app. He suggested we meet up to either date or play and I was like, yeah! (Although given that he lives pretty far away, meaning he'd be making the drive purely to see me, and there's a pandemic going on, this made me nervous, too. But since I won't be back in town for a while, I figured that was Future-Eilonwy's problem.) But he's made two jokes (...I think) about whether I want a roommate (he's new to the area and not committed to the city he's picked.) And when we were talking about politics and the law, I mentioned that one of my interests is to either get a law degree or a masters in law (which doesn't let me practice but would enable me to be an advocate for immigrants.) He said I should do it, and I responded, Sure, along with my other life goals. :) </li></ul><br />His response was to ask if I wanted to take a chance and life goal together. <br /><br />.... I mean, I don't entirely know what he's saying there, but we've been talking for roughly 3 days and no, no I would not. I don't take the chance of so much going to the store without considering the weather, the probably crowds, and checking the website for its hours of operation. So I took a while to decide how to respond and went with something along the lines of "Ironically, that's both too spontaneous and too much commitment for me to answer yes to, lol". <br /><br />I thought he responded well with a "Haha" and smiley face. But when I messaged later to ask how his evening was going (I knew hew as alone for Christmas) his responses were terse and he seemed either maudlin or drunk (he said he was having a beer Christmas.) So I ended up not responding his last message and he hasn't texted since. <br /><br />Now I know it's hard to judge through text messages. He could have been joking all along; I could have wildly misinterpreted what he was asking/saying; he could just have gotten busy in the evening, but it just seemed so weird. Like, what response did he <em>want</em>??? "Sure, move on in, and let's get our law degrees?" (I haven't lived with anyone in 15 years and I'm not starting with a stranger I've literally never met and who currently doesn't have a job. That way lies madness.) <br /><br />There are a few other honorable mentions-- for example Dinosaur Footie Pajama Guy, Professional-Axe-Throwing Guy-- but conversation pretty much immediately petered out in most cases. Basically, it all boiled down to not knowing how to have a conversation. I understand that I'm the common denominator here, so it might be something about me, but these guys didn't do themselves any favors, either. Everyone in question has been between 35-45, old enough to know how conversations work and young enough that they should be familiar with text as a form of communication. (I started texting when I was living in Ireland, in 2000, though that wasn't like full conversations because every text cost 10p. But between then and 2008, when the first iPhones came out, texting became, y'know, a <u>thing</u>. And most people my age used things like AOL Instant Messenger before that. So typing a conversation is not a foreign concept, or at least shouldn't be. But in so many cases it quickly became pulling teeth. I have enough problems like that with my students and don't need my dating life to be that way. It's a pandemic-- we're not going to immediately meet-- so learn to converse. I ask a question, you answer. I respond to your answer ... at that point it's probably your turn to ask a question. Like, y'know, how conversations work? I can only comment and ask so many questions before it becomes an interview instead of a conversation. <br /><br />So, that's my pandemic "dating" experience thus far. At first I thought it was a lot different than last time (about 6 years ago). Something about talking to men in their late 30s or 40s, when I would expect them to have their shit together, was different than early to mid 30s. It has something to do with how I don't feel like an adult most of the time, I think. But honestly, other than fewer people messaging to ask for immediate hookups, it's not much different than it was. There are still tons of profiles that don't actually say anything (my favorite being one that, under self-summary only said: "im just normal average man". No other info was provided and he hadn't even answered more than 5 of the OKCupid questions.) <br /><br />Also, speaking of learning about me.... I identify as bisexual (or pan)-- I have for 20 years now. I've only had a couple of girlfriends, mostly when in poly relationships. And I know that some people sort of swing around in what gender they're most interested in. I set both Bumble and OKC for men and women, but have not really found any women that I wanted to contact. I think this is partly because they all seem so sure of themselves and I'm projecting that they don't want someone who's bi. (That was certainly the experience I had when I first came out and tried online dating. Most of the women's profiles said they wanted lesbians only.) I'm generally attracted to more women than men, and I get along better with women than men. (This second part is undoubtedly mostly unconscious bias on my part as opposed to something intrinsically linked to gender, but that's where I am.) And yet, when I think romance for myself, these days it's almost always het. I know that there are heterosexual/biromantic kinds of labels, but I think that's too restrictive. <br /><br />Honestly, what this has all shown me is that dating apps are a useful tool but ultimately limiting. I could go out for a date with the hot Photographer-Guy, but if all he's really interested in is his job and the gym, then I'm not going on a second date. I might not find someone else's photos super compelling (honestly, like Life-Goals-Guy) but their personality (until they suggest life-goaling together) changes my perception. I've always thought that I would meet my "one" through friends, which in retrospect makes sense -- we'd have things in common already and attraction, if not immediate, could grow through getting to know each other. Alas, my friends have fallen down on the job. ;)<br /><br />There's no fundamental point to this post. I'm not upset at how things are going. If I do meet up with any of these people (Actor-Guy seeming the most likely at this point, having taken the front runner place from Photographer-Guy (who has suggested dinner) and Life-Goals Guy (who has suggested getting together) due to being interesting and not creepy, so far) I'm sure it will cause enormous amounts of anxiety because that's just how introverted, insecure women with social anxiety roll <em>especially</em> in a pandemic and <em>especially</em> when it will be a 2 hour drive for whoever goes in whichever direction, making it seem like it has to be a Bigger Thing than, say, coffee. <br /><br />But it's what's happening in my (virtual) life, and taking up a portion of my thoughts, and so voila, a post is born. <br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1762191" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1761976Not a T-Rex2020-12-11T02:33:47Z2020-12-11T02:52:00Zpublic2 I <em>think </em>I was a relatively outgoing kid until changing schools in the fifth grade. (The elementary school I was in stopped having classes above the 4th, so students were sent to other schools. Most people from my school went to one, I went to the other.) I could be wrong, but I remember having the kind of confidence that came with making up the cool playground games. That said, if changing schools was enough to change my attitude so severely, maybe I wasn't outgoing. <br /><br />Regardless, I haven't been outgoing since then, if ever. I wasn't diagnosed or treated for anxiety until graduate school, but looking back I definitely could have used help sooner. <br /><ul><li>My first semester of college I was so scared of strangers that I skipped many meals so as not to eat in the dining hall</li><li>I traveled abroad as a junior and spent the first month essentially hiding in my room and once I was dragged out by other Americans, to clubs and pups, I would go to the bar and basically ask for whatever would get me tipsy fastest but not taste gross, thereby enabling me to talk to people </li><li>In my MLitt/MFA program, the first time I had to be on stage, without even an audience other than the class I was in, I was so scared that my legs started shaking-- knees knocking-- I didn't know that was an actual thing</li><li>The first time I had to give a presentation at an academic conference, I ended up lightheaded, nauseated, and in tears</li><li>I cried for about an hour <em>before </em>my PhD dissertation defense purely out of fear</li><li>I LOVED playing ice hockey, but I would panic before every practice and every game and consider not going because I was uncomfortable around the other players</li></ul>Intellectually, I know that if I meet a group of people, the worst thing that will happen is I won't make friends. Maybe I really will say something entirely stupid or not be able to think of anything to say, but even if that's the case, so what? Where's the long-lasting damage? But knowing it intellectually and overcoming it emotionally are two different things. <br /><br />This is a big part of why quarantine/the pandemic hasn't really affected me a great deal. Between where I live (rural Appalachia), my introverted nature, and my anxiety (for all that it's somewhat treated), staying home all the time has been super easy. In fact, I have begun to worry that it's too easy, that I'm losing whatever skills I had in overcoming my anxiety and functioning like a human adult. <br /><br />(Ironically, a lot people, especially my students, see me as very independent. After all, I've lived a lot of places, starting entirely new in various academic programs or jobs, far from family/friends. And I do function in the non-social sphere pretty well, ish. (Where I don't is probably a different post.) <br /><br />Over Thanksgiving, I had dinner with a friend and her parents, since I couldn't go home or have my parents here. (Home being 10 hours away.) And after dinner but before dessert, we played a game called On a Scale of 1 to T-Rex. If you're not familiar, basically you have to act out what's on one of three cards-- everyone simultaneously-- and do so at the level (1-10) of what shows on your own (hidden) card. Then you have to see if anyone else is acting out at the same level and if your guess is right, you get points, and if not, you get, well, bad points. <br /><br />Doing this made me realize, in stark terms, that I don't function at a 10. I'm so scared of looking foolish, <em>even as other people around me are acting foolish in the exact same way </em>that I just ... don't. As my friend's dad said, my 10 is another person's 6. <br /><br />The first time I had to teach a class (I was in an masters program for teaching, after all) it was a total nightmare that I still cringe to think about. The first time I taught my own class, as a teaching associate in my PhD program, I followed advice I'd read in a handbook and brought a soda with me. The point, the advice went, was so that I would have something to do with my hands. I promptly managed to get covered in ginger ale (or some other clear colored soda, I don't recall) when it fizzed out when I opened it. <br /><br />I'm a little better than I was. I'm capable of eating alone in restaurants if necessary or hanging out alone in a coffee shop. I teach all the time now, obviously, although I still get nervous on the first day, and sometimes other days too depending on my rapport with the class. I'm even capable of acting on a stage with an audience, if necessary. (Trial by fire. I was the stage manager for a production where the lead dropped out just before opening. I already knew all the lines, more or less, because that's what happens when you stage manage, so it was either I take the role or we didn't do the play. It was a weird play called <em>BecauseHeCan </em>and my character seduced people, had most of the lines, had to react to a literal naked person on stage (although did not have to get naked myself!!), and basically had to be villainous. Because of the kind of direct we had for this play-- the kind who tells you what to say, how to say it, and where to stand or what to do as you say it, I managed, and that actually helped me get past my worst fear. I ended up on stage several times after that. <br /><br />All this has held me back. It has made job interviews exquisitely painful. It has kept me from meeting new people who could have been friends or partners. And I want to work on changing it. <br /><br />Of course I'd come to that realization during a pandemic when everyone needs to stay socially distant while living in a rural area where I have no idea how to meet people anyway... <br type="_moz" /><br />I just wanted to add that since.... 2001? the quote on my Livejournal page (because LJ had boxes where you could put permanent things) was as follows: <br type="_moz" /><br />"Actually," she continued dreamily, "I'm not modest or inhibited. What I am is the confused product of a semipuritanical upbringing and a liberal education. Which means that I think it's wrong for me to do anything, but I think it's perfectly all right for other people to do whatever they want. Does that make sense?"<br /><br />I found it in a romance novel -- and I would not have been able to tell you which one until I googled it just now (Apparently it's Judith McNaught's <em>Double Standards</em>, a book I remember exactly nothing about besides this quote.) It fits me so perfectly and I think it goes a long way to describing me when it comes to other people. <br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1761976" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1761621Memory & Rabbit Holes & Ending Up More Confused2020-12-07T20:48:00Z2020-12-07T20:53:15ZCascabel! Cascabel!public2While making lunch this afternoon, I found myself singing "Jingle Bells," which, given that it's December 7th probably isn't that weird, except that I was singing it in the 'lyrics' I learned as a kid. When I was in elementary school -- I don't remember what year specifically, but it had to be 4th grade or earlier, and if forced to guess it might have been 2nd -- we had to learn how to sing "Jingle Bells" in Spanish. <br /><br />I have a terrible memory and almost no ability to visually imagine things, and yet I can still (in my limited way) picture the music classroom and the textbook we sang from and how the words were written out phonetically (because we were a bunch of eastern PA kids, more likely to speak a smattering of PA Deutsch than Spanish). And I remember -- even though this is at least 30 years ago (holy carp I'm old now) -- that I was frustrated by the experience and also extraordinarily proud of being to know a song in another language. (Yes, I was a nerd even then.) <br /><br />And I still remember the (phonetic) words-- or more accurately, the sounds. But years later, as an adult, when speaking with someone who actually knew Spanish (despite this being more recent, I cannot remember who or when this was) I learned that no, in fact, what I was still able to recite was <em>nothing </em>like what "Jingle Bells" in Spanish actually sounds like. And I was weirdly upset to realize this. <br /><br />But today, when I was singing the nonsense syllables over a bowl of salad, I thought, well, let's give it one more search on ye olde internets. <br /><br />"Jingle Bells" in Spanish brought up a bunch of hits that were, indeed, nothing like the sounds I recalled. I thought, maybe I had the language wrong, so I listened to a whole "Jingle Bells in 20 Languages" YouTube video, but nothing sounded "right" (for the definition of right being what I recalled, which was something like this): <br /><br />Cascabey, Cascabey, <br />Music ca de more<br />Duchess, Horus<br />Gratis, Horus <br />Juventin in flor<br /><br />Cascabey, Cascabey, <br />Tansin ti mattell<br />No day jes cas be leet us<br />de repeat guitar<br /><br />Utter nonsense, I know. And in retrospect, almost certainly taught to us by someone who didn't speak Spanish, so the pronunciation (which is all I have to go off of) could be wildly incorrect, too. (I mean, it certainly IS, but more so.) <br /><br />But Google to the rescue! Being slightly more educated in foreign languages now than I was at age 8 or so, and the internet, y'know, existing, meant that some judicious Google searching and suggested fill-ins brought up "Cascabel musica de amor" which-- sounds a lot like my nonsense in that first line! I was on to something!<br /><br />And the lyrics I found read like this (minus one accent mark that I'm too lazy to figure out how to do in Dreamwidth):<br /><br />Cascabel, cascabel, <br />musica de amor. <br />Dulces horas, gratas horas, <br />juventud en flor. <br /><br />Cascabel, cascabel <br />tan sentimental. <br />No dejes cascabelito, <br />de repiquetear. <br /><br /><strong>VIDICATION</strong>, I thought. I mean, frankly, my 3 decade old recollection wasn't too far off in sound!! <br /><br />Then Google offered to translate the page for me. I thought, well, I mean, I know the English words to "Jingle Bells," but let's see precisely what's going on here. And here's where it got weird(er). <br /><br />Rattlesnake, rattlesnake<br />love music. <br />Sweet hours, pleasant hours, <br />youth in bloom. <br /><br />Rattlesnake, rattlesnake, <br />so sentimental. <br />Don't stop<br />rattling, rattling. <br /><br /><br /><strong>What. The. Fuck.</strong> I mean, I know that Google Translate is not always the most reliable of resources but .... seriously? What did our textbook have a couple dozen elementary school students sing at our parents that Christmas??? There had to be a parent or two in that audience who realized we were singing about rattlesnakes at them, surely. And is this, like, a thing? I found it multiple places on the internet, but with no explanation. Are rattlesnakes just, y'know, festive in some Latinx traditions?<br /><br />Ok, it's probably a translation thing, where "cascabel" means multiple things and Google translate chose "rattlesnake" but I am just giggling over the idea of a Christmas rattlesnake just be-bopping through a Winter Wonderland. (I'll ignore the whole cold-blooded thing for a moment.) But even so, this doesn't explain this version versus the one that comes up when you look up "Jingle Bells" in Spanish. <br /><br />I don't know whether to feel vindicated that I remembered and these lyrics exist or just entirely confused. <br /><br />(Unrelated, I did doodle a rattle snake with a bow on its tail, and it kind of looks like mistletoe.) <br /><br type="_moz" /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1761621" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1761533Writing2020-12-03T16:06:07Z2020-12-03T16:06:07Zpublic3Well, NaNoWriMo didn't go as planned. I didn't push myself as much as I should have, but part of it was also that my promotion portfolio was due on December 1st, so much of the month was spent writing about myself. Out of curiosity, I added up all the narrative bits I had to write about myself it came to a little over 11k words. Adding that to what I wrote officially for NaNo (19k) and I still don't get to the goal (50k), but atop writing the personal narratives (and revising and editing them) I also had to gather a whole bunch of documentation to prove that I'm worthy of promotion. <br /><br />(The whole application came to 170 pages, but at least a dozen of those are header-type pages. This is <em>really short</em> for a promotion package at any other university. At an R1, a package like this should be about 500 pages. But our Rank & Promotion Committee frowns upon long packages. In fact, one person was denied promotion last year with the stated reasoning being that their package was too long and they should have exercised restraint.) <br /><br />ANYWAY, I just meant to document that I wrote 19k for NaNo. November is never a good month for me. Even before it became a traumatic month, it was a busy one, just due to the nature of the academic calendar. So I'm not terribly surprised that I didn't hit 50k, and it's not like I'm abandoning the project. <br /><br />If you don't like reading about other people's writing projects/process, now might be a good time to skip ahead, though I promise I'm not going to get bogged down in details. <br /><br />Back in ... 2015? I wrote what was supposed to be a short erotica story that I was going to submit (anonymously) to a website. I wrote it to sort of get it out of my head. But it grew from a couple of scenes to a full-length .... thing (It's 100k+) complete with plot and fleshed-out characters and backstory and a whole mythos. (It's a fantasy world, in that it's a medieval-ish setting, but there's no magic or anything.) <br /><br />Upon finishing that, even though I knew I wouldn't show it to anyone, I began another piece set in the same world. (To be fair, one person has read it. I regret that, though, for fear that they now think less of me.) It, too, became about 100k. And in writing that one, I got an idea for another one, and then tons more ideas <br /><br />I only have the two finished pieces, but I also have the start of two more and the idea for two more beyond that. <br /><br />So much for just writing a couple of scenes and getting it out of my system.<br /><br />And while I still won't let anyone read any of it in the state they're in now, I think I can revise the first one to a point where I would let someone read it. And maybe even self-publish them. I ... have extraordinary mixed feelings about self-publishing that I may go into in another post, but suffice it to say I don't think a mainstream publisher would want these, due to their mixed genre. That said, I do think there is a (niche) market for them. I don't think I'd ever make any actual money off of them (I'm too lazy/busy to self-promote) but I would also feel a lot better about spending SO MUCH TIME on these if they were to have some purpose beyond sitting on my computer. <br /><br />The world of these stories has now gotten large enough that along with my random files of notes, I've spent the last couple of days using Notebook.ai to create character and location profiles and I'm thinking about spending the money on more than the free version so that I can document languages and religions, too. Part of me thinks that this is all hopelessly self-indulgent navel-gazing -- after all, it's likely no one will ever see these stories and do I really need to document this stuff in this fashion. But I will say that in doing so I've been forced to think more about character than I had been previously, so there's definitely a benefit to it in terms of not only keeping things straight but also in considering motivations and mannerisms and such. <br /><p>If I ever get back to one of the universes that could be actually marketable, I will definitely be using something like Notebook.ai. (This isn't an advertisement for that particular site. I looked at that and a couple other world-building sites, and chose this one because it seemed to give me the most of what I wanted in its free version.) <br /><br />I also took a few hours to use inkarnate.com to create a map of my world. That also felt self-indulgent. But like the character/place profiles, it helped me not only keep things straight but think about how the world works. <br /><br />I don't know what the point of this post is. On one hand, I suppose it's to say that those writing tools that people talk about are, indeed, useful. On the other, it documents my self-indulgence. <br /><br />Oh well. At least a writing habit doesn't have to be too expensive and doesn't have any direct health drawbacks the way other habits do. <br /><br />But let's just hope I eventually feel like writing the stuff that might actually have a market...</p><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1761533" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1761198Unsettled2020-11-23T22:29:31Z2020-11-24T17:31:00Zpublic8 It's fine. It's fine. This is fine. I'm fine. <br /><br />Insert the dog with the coffee and the flames image here... <br /><br />Honestly, though, I am. I have a job, a house, my pets, friends, etc. I'm not an extrovert so this whole staying home thing isn't really a big deal. I'm staying where I am for Thanksgiving, but will go home to my parents (driving) for Christmas (where I will stay the whole time before coming back here to start the spring semester.) I'm being as safe as I can be in the time of a pandemic. <br /><br />And yet I'm unsettled. Which is probably pretty normal, to be honest. And I don't think it's just the pandemic, unless it's a build-up of months of pandemic and changes. <br /><br />I'm functioning pretty well, especially for someone who had been dreading November and the election and the anniversary of Tamnonlinear's death. I'm doing pretty well for someone in a pandemic under a democracy that is eroded a little more each day in its slide into authoritarianism. (Also, I just had a very difficult time spelling authoritarianism for some reason.) <br /><br />But there are cracks, y'know? I have cracks under the best of times-- it's not like depression waits to attack only when there's a global pandemic. I'm content, I guess, but it still feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wonder, sometimes, if anyone is really <em>happy </em>or if content is all any of are lucky enough to be. <br /><br />I've spent much of November writing, but not the novel I wanted to do for NaNoWriMo. Instead I've written and compiled just under 200 pages of evidence that I should be promoted. (Ahh, academia.) It's a weird experience. (I did it once before, to go from assistant to associate professor.) On one hand, I'm writing about how great I am, but on the other, as a humanities professor in a world that no longer respects the humanities, it's also a document trying to justify my continued existence. <br /><br />I'm off track here, but how many of you have jobs where, when someone asks what you do and you answer, the response 95% of the time is "I hate [that]" <br /><br />Them: What do you do? <br />Me: I'm a professor at the university. <br />Them: What do you teach?"<br />Me: English. <br />Them: Oh, I hate English. <br /><br />NINETY-FIVE PERCENT OF THE TIME. To be fair, that happens more here than it did in other places, but still. <br /><br />Enrollment in the humanities is down because students come to college expecting it to magically grant them a job, but that's never been the purpose of a liberal arts college. And if it were, it wouldn't help students in the long-run anyway. Current projections are that people will change CAREERS between 5-7 times over the course of their lifetime. A liberal arts degree-- something that teaches people how to learn, how to be curious and ask questions, how to analyze and be introspective-- is to prepare for that kind of eventuality. So what does an English degree get you? ANYTHING YOU WANT. <br /><br />(And I actually mean that. Statistically, humanities majors have a better rate of success on things like the MCATS than science majors. So, get a humanities degree and go be a better doctor than you might otherwise have been because maybe you'll have learned empathy along with curiosity and analysis.) <br /><br />I have no idea how I've gotten to this point in this post. <br /><br />I currently have a student who is frustrated with my class-- and that's fine, it happens, I get it. I suggested that we should Zoom (it's a fully online course, but also ALL courses at my university are online from now 'til the end of the semester.) He said no, Zoom doesn't help, and then went on a diatribe about how pointless the class is and how it's too much work, and what even is the point of these assignments. He specified two of them so I responded, in detail, as to the point of those assignments. Will it help? I dunno, (I also reached out to his advisor and coach in the hopes of the student getting help from someone he's not currently frustrated with.) And I don't blame the student-- they're all stressed right now and I can see how learning about ethos in a required college course doesn't seem immediately applicable to real life, when you're 18 years old and think you know everything but really don't. I'm sure I was equally insufferable about things at that age. (In fact, at that age I petitioned successfully to not have to take a composition course, so....)<br /><br />I'm tired of justifying my existence. And yeah, I know my career and my existence aren't the same thing, but they might as well be. I don't have a lot else right now, and maybe that seems more extreme because, y'know, pandemic. But still. <br /><br />Ugh. I don't know. This is stream-of-consciousness ranting of the kind I used to do as a 20-something. There are no answers because there are no questions. There's complaining but even that is amorphous. (Oh woe is me, no one respects my job.) <br /><br />I guess a lot of it is that I'm lonely. It kind of snuck up on me. I'm an introvert who already lived alone, so other than canceling a bunch of summer travel plans and teaching online, my life hasn't changed a great deal due to covid. But even introverts need people. I only have one close friend where I currently live. <br /><br />I'm a literal stereotype -- a single, 40something cat-lady. <br /><br />Some days I embrace that. Today is not that day. <br /><br />And now I'm off to proofread the documents that will hopefully move me up one step in my career that currently feels purposeless, no matter how many pretty phrases I use to justify my existence.<br /><br /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1761198" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1760836well then (pretty much stream of consciousness)2020-11-12T16:17:23Z2020-11-12T16:17:23Zcalmpublic2(Content Warning: depression, animal death)<br /><br /> I've been meaning to post for about 9 days now, but life has been weird. Up and down, mostly down, I guess, but I'm okay. <br /><br />The night of the election was rough. It's one thing to be told that the mail-in ballots would take a long time to count and we wouldn't know the winner on Tuesday, but it's another to see states colored in red on the map and feel like it was 2016 all over again. (That said, 2016 came as a surprise, whereas I'm much much more cynical about my fellow Americans and their choices than I was 4 years ago. <br /><br />And of course elections, since 2016, are inherently twined with the loss of Tamnonlinear and my grief for her. I knew this was going to be a tough November (the first general election since she left us) and for a long time I couldn't see past 11/3. I had no idea what came after. (Yeah, I mean, I have plans for winter break and spring classes and all that, but it didn't feel real.) <br /><br />I miss Tam every day. That might sounds like an exaggeration, especially since she wasn't someone I saw every day when she was here. But she meant a lot to me-- she saved me more than once. Then, too, Jessie and Mia are still with me. I've said it before and I'll say it again-- winning those two cats over is one of the best achievements of my life. <br /><br />Jessie is doing pretty well, despite his asthma and recurring upper respiratory infections. His asthma treatments help a lot, although catching him stresses him out. (He can be cuddly but only on his own terms. Getting him into a carrier is a challenge.) <br /><br />Mia is .... I don't want to say feral because she doesn't lash out (unless you try to pick her up) but still, saying semi-feral is the closest I can come to defining her. She's rarely seen by visitors and has never once been touched by any of them. She'll cuddle with me-- if I'm lying down and don't move too much and if she's in the mood. Because of the stress of trying to catch her and imagining how terrified she'd be at the vet plus how there's absolutely zero chance I could treat her for anything that required medicating etc, she hadn't been to the vet since I got her in 2016. She's getting older and slowing down a bit, and she has some trouble jumping (she climbs onto the bed rather than jumps) but her appetite is (super) strong. She started getting matted, though, presumably because of difficulty grooming due to arthritis (although this is a theory) and she wouldn't let me brush her in any meaningful way. So I started cutting mats out of her fur when she was cuddled next to me-- a couple each time. Unfortunately, I ended up cutting her. I didn't even know it at first-- she didn't react. <br /><br />Obviously, I was distraught at having hurt her. I managed to get her to the vet (she's so food motivated that if I'm very careful and don't try it too often, I can get her into a carrier if that's where her breakfast is.) We decided against stitches (the vet gave me a choice and said it was 50/50 on which to go with but stitches required anesthesia, and she's 16 and of unknown health due to not being at the vet for so long). While she was there, she got an examination and vaccines. I took her back a month later for another round of vaccines and the vet was worried that the wound wasn't entirely gone (it was scabbed but not gone.) And I was worried because Mia had been acting weird (for her) in the intervening month. For the first four days or so after getting hurt, she acted normal. She'd cuddle with me and generally it was like nothing had happened. But then she just .... stopped. For two weeks I couldn't touch her, couldn't get near her, she wouldn't come near me, etc. I was pretty distraught. <br /><br />Fortunately, she's come around again and now we're back to cuddling every day. I have no idea what changed in either direction. Her wound is also totally healed (the scab came off and there's no sign of the injury just a few days after seeing the vet for the second time.) She does have a heart murmur and her teeth are Very Bad and she's underweight-- so none of that is good. But her bloodwork came back pretty much fine -- which I was genuinely shocked by. I've put her on senior food and started giving her multiple meals a day (the other cats are jealous) since she doesn't eat dry food any more (presumably because of her teeth.) <br /><br />Anyway, I didn't plan to write a tangent about Jessie and Mia, but they're inextricably tied to Abby who is inextricably tied to November and elections. <br /><br />In the mean time, my very dear friend who lives here in eastern KY, has been having her own cat trouble. Her 11 year old orange boy Rufio started having gastrointestinal issues in August and food changes and steroids didn't help. Imaging at the local vet didn't show much, so we ended up taking him to Louisville (about 3.5 hours away) for a colonoscopy. Then we drove back two days later to pick him up, with a diagnosis of a mass around his colon and a suggestion of surgery, though it would be major surgery (removing part of the colon and likely requiring chipping away part of his pelvis.) When the biopsy came back as non-cancerous, which was a big surprise, the surgery was scheduled, so we drove to Louisville again. But when the surgeon opened him up, he found what he thought to be carcinomatosis all over his abdomen. They took biopsies but didn't remove his colon, since it would only have bought him a few weeks' worth of time, assuming the carcinomatosis diagnosis was correct. He stayed overnight and we went back again the next day to pick him up. (I am heartily sick of driving to/from Louisville. That said, it was worth it.) <br /><br />I don't think the biopsy has come back yet to confirm the cancer, but it doesn't matter. Rufio took a turn for the worse and his mom scheduled his final appointment for this morning. I got to say goodbye last night, and he was, as sick kitties often are, stoic but clearly not well. This morning, at home, he passed away. As his mom said, he was doing his own thing right to the end. <br /><br />I often wonder if it's disrespectful of me to think of Tamnonlinear in an "after" since she didn't believe in one. But since my own belief is that there is something, and I find it comforting, I do think of her as still existing in some way. And even though she didn't know Rufio, I know she would have loved him and taken him in immediately. (I think of my Callie-cat as being with her, which makes sense she was Callie's rescuer and fosterer, but I also think of my Jackjack with her. When Tam brought Callie to me, she met Jack, and she said that if I every couldn't keep either one of them, to come to her because a rescued cat stays rescued. She only met Jack that time and one other, but it doesn't matter. She's taking care of him now, too.) <br /><br />We were in the car to Louisville to pick Rufio up when the press called the election for Biden. (Weirdly, the first push notification I received was from the BBC, followed by a text from my pseudo-brother. All the other news sources I follow took a while longer. But this did a bit to raise our mood. We spent much of the rest of the drive talking about how there would be science in the white house again, and a first lady who has a PhD and is a community college professor and a second gentleman who is Jewish and a VP who is a woman of color. We also took GREAT delight in the four seasons landscaping presser. <br /><br />(I am very pleased with Pennsylvania, as my home state, btw.)<br /><br />Of course, given the country's slide towards fascism and trump's refusal to concede and the cowardice of the gop to speak against him, I'm still terrified. <br /><br />Watching the acceptance speeches by Harris and Biden on Saturday night had me, literally, in tears and feeling hope that I hadn't in a long time. But it also made me think of Tamnonlinear and how much I wish she were here for the positive changes. <br /><br />I don't have a point to any of this. I just wanted to document what's been going on. And it feels *wrong* to not write about Tam during this time of year. On one hand, missing her is a default state, whether I talk about her or not, but if I can keep her around via memory and words a little longer, I will. <br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1760836" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1760524"Oh, she's kind of ugly."2020-10-20T17:28:58Z2020-10-20T17:28:58Zuglypublic3 In these days of daily Zoom calls (and appropriately also the day that analyst Jeffrey Toobin was suspended from the <em>New Yorker </em>for masturbating while on a video conference), it seems like today is the perfect day for what just happened.<br /><br />I'm teaching entirely online this semester. (Next semester, barring Covid shutting down the whole campus, I'm teaching 1/2 online and 1/2 in the classroom.) As we've switched to an 8 week block system for at least the duration of the pandemic (and that's whole other story but man I hope this doesn't stick), we've just finished up the first fall block courses and started the second. I'm teaching the same course that I taught in block 1, so I made some changes to better help students based on what I saw happen in block 1. One of the things I implemented was the requirement for every student to come to my virtual office hours this week, just to introduce themselves and so that they're comfortable with office hours later in the semester if/when they need it. (Almost no one used my office hours in block 1, or did only at the course's end, and then commented on how much they wish they'd spoken with me sooner about assignments and things.) <br /><br />Today a student who has so far been exemplary signed in to Zoom. Apparently he didn't know that his mic was on, even though his video was off. (I assume he thought the two are connected, but they're not.) So he spent the first few minutes of his being in the Zoom room talking on the phone to someone else. That part's fine if something of a waste of my time. The part that isn't fine? Is when he said to the person on the phone "Oh she's kind of ugly" once my camera turned on. <br /><br />Look, I can mouth the platitudes about beauty not being everything all day long, just like anyone else. But after months of seeing myself on Zoom, and of gaining weight (thanks pandemic and lack of self-restraint when it comes to sweets), my opinion of my attractiveness is at an all time low. (There's something about seeing myself in Zoom rather than a mirror that just highlights all the flaws that I've spent decades overlooking.) <br /><br />It's not the student's fault. Was it rude? Sure, but the student is probably 18 and certainly didn't mean for me to hear. But it was an unpleasant reminder that the world judges us, especially women, on looks, and mine have always been lacking. <br /><br />I don't need-- or frankly want-- my students to find me attractive. (That'd be gross.) But I'd like for them to not judge me based on appearance and preferably not remind me that most of the rest of the world agrees with them. (It's awfully hard to say looks don't matter when you're single at 41.)<br /><br />So, I dunno, let this be a lesson to you to always be sure your mic is muted when you don't want someone on Zoom to hear you disparage her. <br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1760524" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1760493Blaaaahhhh2020-10-15T01:30:42Z2020-10-15T01:30:42Zblahpublic2 I feel like crud, but at least it's not emotional crud? For the past few days I've been low-key nauseated and light-headed, which has not been fun. Especially since my university switched to 8 week blocks instead of full semesters. (They used the pandemic as an excuse but I think it's something administration wanted to do anyway.) This means that block 1 classes ended on Monday, finals go through tonight, and block 2 classes start tomorrow. So in between bouts of misery in which I can do nothing, I've been working on all of that.... Students are panicked about the end of block 1; other students are panicked about the start of block 2. Everyone is burned out on this whole covid thing. (The university even sent students home for 2 weeks because we had community spread.) <br /><br />So yeah. <br /><br />I saw one of the school's counselors again yesterday and it was fine. I need to look for someone I can work with long term, but she's helping. Mostly I came out of the session with the suggestion that I should do NaNoWriMo. (I've never done NaNo because November is a terrible month for academics to try and write a novel.) I'm going to modify it (mostly I'm not starting something new) and I'm not going to, like, do any of the official things. (They all seem cool, but that's not where my head is at right now.) Basically, it's 1 month (or maybe I'll start early.. Told you I'm modifying it) where I can spend significant time writing and not feel guilty. <br /><br />I feel guilty all the time. Well, all the time that I don't feel worried. I <em>should</em> be doing something useful. I should be grading or cleaning (omg, you guys, my house is so gross right now.) There's yardwork and housework and laundry and dishes and .... So while I love writing, I think of it as a fun thing, a pleasure and therefore something that induces guilt. But not this (well, next) month! I hope. :)<br /><br />It's 9:30 at night. I have gotten the bare minimum of things done that I needed to today (mainly having my classes ready to open for tomorrow, since I'm teaching entirely online.) And I feel so icky that I'm going to go shower and go to bed. And yeah, I feel guilty about that too. <br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1760493" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1760133Birthday Blues2020-10-04T23:11:16Z2020-10-04T23:11:16Zdepressedpublic1 I'm still here. <br /><br />I've been doing better. I saw a new counselor, which was awkward (face masks. And she works for the university) but also kind of nice. My psychiatrist agreed that the medicine switch-- even though it was just formulations-- may have caused the crash and switched me back. The rest of the week was better; not 100% but miles and miles past where I was Tuesday/Wednesday. Friday was fine. Saturday was weird in that it took me all day to get done what I thought I could do in a couple hours, but emotionally I was fine (if irritated.) <br /><br />Today's my birthday though. And while I think it's a given that all pandemic birthdays kind of suck, it's still kind of hard. The one person I expected to see forgot/was busy. So it's been a day like any other except I thought, oh heck, let's bake a cake. But while it's not finished, it seems like it kind of sucks (too much salt, I think. I now believe I grabbed the wrong measuring spoon) and I'm not keen on the chocolate buttercream frosting I made. But we'll see what happens if/when I put it all together. (It's cooling.) I nearly set the oven on fire, though, because the batter overflowed. Oops. <br /><br />I don't have a point except to say I'm still here and I'm okay-ish, but today kind of sucks. It's not Tuesday-night-I-don't-want-to-exist bad, but man, if this is what life is from here on out, what's the fucking point? <br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1760133" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1759861Moving underwater2020-10-01T14:44:05Z2020-10-01T14:44:05Znumbpublic2 Typically, I'm a hurry-up-and-wait kind of girl. What I mean is, when I have to get something done, I'll do things in a flurry of activity (clean? dishes? cat boxes? grading?) and I'll also be super lazy and lie on the couch. (some other day I'll investigate a bit more about all of that but that's not today's point.) But when I'm in a depressive episode, everything takes so much more effort. Getting out of bed, putting on clothes, brushing my teeth-- each of those things that I don't even think about (well, I think about the bed thing) on a normal day is exhausting to even consider on a day like today. <br /><br />I'm better off than yesterday. I'm not in a constant state of crying or on the verge of tears. I started improving yesterday evening, in fact. By that time, I'd already called my psychiatrist's office and reached out to the counseling services at my college to make an appointment for today. I started to think I'd overreacted-- surely I didn't need a new counselor at the university when I already had a phone session scheduled for today. (The phone session was scheduled previously, with a therapist I know nothing about. It's just required at my psychiatrists office that you check in with one of their therapists every three months.) Surely sandwiching two therapy sessions in between the regular work of a Thursday (and I'm behind in grading-- I'm always behind in grading. All I ever do is grade, it seems, and yet I'm behind) would be excessive. After all, I was no longer sobbing. <br /><br />But I'm numb and sad and moving like the world is water and I have to push through its resistance. The beep of a news article indicator on my phone gives me a sour stomach out of concern about what American freedom is being eroded next. Each time my computer jauntily tells me that another email has arrived, my heart sinks at having to deal with whatever it is.<br /><br />So, I'm going to see the new therapist at 12 and will answer the call to the required therapist at 2. And, shockingly, my psychiatrist's office gave her my message (from yesterday; perhaps the crying on the phone helped?) and she called back. I theorized that this sudden drop might be from our changing a medicine from XL to SR and she agreed it could be and as of today I'm back on XL. So even though it all still feels a bit excessive and it also feels really fucking hard, it's probably all the right thing to do, if only because better safe than sorry. <br /><br /><br type="_moz" /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1759861" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:175963220 years on2020-09-30T16:29:04Z2020-09-30T16:29:45Zdepressedpublic2 I started my LiveJournal in 2001. I only remember this because I can, oddly, picture myself in my college, senior-year dorm room, writing about how I'd probably forget that I had an LJ within a few weeks. Instead, I kept it regularly for more than a decade. I made online friends and kept in contact with IRL ones. <br /><br />But what I remember most about LJ is that it saved me. During the long slog that was summer 2001, when I was incredibly depressed but didn't have the language (or diagnosis) for it, writing and getting responses saved me. In grad school, when I got so depressed that I stopped eating and lost enough weight that people thought I was anorexic, writing and getting responses saved me. <br /><br />Now it's 2020 and I don't think anything can save anything anymore. And I know that writing here, on DW where I've never had a community and where I don't think community exists anymore anyway, isn't going to garner any responses at all, but I suppose it can't hurt to write.<br /><br />I'm a mess. I haven't been okay since 2016, not really. Not since Tamnonlinear died. Not since election night. Though to be fair, those two are one and the same. After a time (months? more?) I became functional again. (I don't remember November 2016.) But that time broke off a piece of me. I used to believe people are basically good, especially as individuals. I don't anymore. <br /><br />I knew this autumn would be bad. I planned for it, in fact, saying no to work things that I would ordinarily have said yes to. Paring back where I could in order to give myself room for, well, me, I guess. But I didn't expect a global pandemic. (I'd say no one did, but that's not true. Epidemiologists have been predicting something like covid19 for decades.) <br /><br />In the past few months, panic attacks have increased substantially, so my doctor and I upped my dosages. It helped. No longer was I freaking about every set-back, every time something raised a bit of uncertainty. When asked, I would have said that anxiety was my main concern; the depression was under control, more or less, other than how the two work together. <br /><br />But that's not true anymore. The way I feel today-- the way I felt last night-- was like being thrown back into summer 2001 or fall 2016. I've been crying for hours for no particular reason other than the general existential dread that has settled over me and become a companion these past 4 years. Yes, I have specific worries, but nothing that should have been sobbing all the time. <br /><br />I went to bed early and took Advil pm in the hopes of just ... not existing for a while. It helped and I slept and I woke up feeling very slightly better. But I also spent significant time wondering what relief there would be in not existing at all. <br /><br />Hamlet, in his famous soliloquy, ends up deciding that the reason we don't all just kill ourselves is out of fear of not knowing what comes next. I would disagree. For me, it's more about not wanting to cause pain to my parents or Pyrite.<br type="_moz" /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1759632" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1759366Cat Update2017-08-24T01:34:28Z2017-08-24T01:37:38Zgiddypublic0As you probably know, when Tamnonlinear died ten months ago (and holy crap that STILL doesn't feel real and I think of her and miss her every damn day), I adopted two of her six cats. (Pyrite took 2 others. The last two went to a neighbor/friend of Tam's sister-in-law.) <br /><br />One of the reasons I took in Mia and Jessie, specifically, was that they were the most skittish of the six and I figured they'd have the hardest time finding homes. Of Tam's household, Jessie was often the biggest cat but always the most scared. When we talked on the phone, she'd sometimes have him in her lap or nearby but if she moved wrong or another cat came too close, he'd zoom off. The times I visited, I almost never saw Mia or Jessie even though they were cats who had the run of most of the house (as opposed to some cats who had only certain rooms.) <br /><br />Tam's SIL brought the cats halfway to me and I installed them in my office/library. They hid. Jessie spent all of his time hiding behind a curtain, on a tiny window ledge, and if I came too close he'd start shaking. Mia would come out to eat but spent most of her time under one spot or another. In time, I started leaving the library door open, in the hopes that they'd join the rest of my household. The other three cats (Marlowe, Callie, and Widget) were not super welcoming but there weren't huge fights either when one of those three went into the library. <br /><br />Months past. Jessie stayed behind his curtain. Mia would sometimes come out of the room if it were getting late and she hadn't been fed yet. The only progress I made was that if I had tuna, Mia would take it from my fingers. (Can you blame her? Tuna, yum.) <br /><br />Then Widget, the smallest cat in this household, started bullying Mia and Jessie. She'd go into their room and corner one or the other. There would be horrific howls and I was terrified that someone would hurt another, although whenever I got to the room it was to witness a standoff rather than a fight. But it got so that Widget would corner Jessie in the litterbox or eat his food. <br /><br />Also, it became clear that Mia and Jessie weren't looking to join the larger household any time soon, so the library had to become more comfortable. They needed more routes to travel in there, so they could avoid Widget if necessary. (I wasn't willing to lock Widget out of that room because it would mean locking Mia and Jessie in it.) So, I thought, perhaps some upward space. I initially thought just a few shelves to get to the top of a bookcase. (It's a library so there are lots of bookcases. Most of them have books on top.) Then my parents arrived and turned the room into a paradise for Mia and Jessie. <br /><br />I moved a bunch of stuff out and a futon (from my parents) in, which Mia immediately *loved*. Suddenly she was sleeping out in the open as long as no one bothered her. Then we took down Jessie's curtains (they'd gotten so gross from 10 months of him living behind one) but gave him boxes in the window to hid within. He took to them immediately, too, suddenly looking more comfortable but still safe and with a view. We moved out my printer, making the desk area entirely cat friendly. We put in a cat tree and several shelves so that cats could get not only to the top of the bookcase but then over ALL the bookcases on an 8 foot shelf along the rest long wall of the room, where cats can then hop down a few other steps and be at the litterbox (or up and going in the oppose direction.) Suddenly the room was more open and the cats had travel paths. <br /><br />The difference is NIGHT AND DAY. Jessie not only allows me to pet him (without shaking) but he rubs his head into my hand, he nibbles on my fingers, licks them, and purrs. (Also, he drools, it turns out.) So far this has only happened when he's in one of his boxes, until tonight when I got a few pets in while he was out and about.<br /><br />Mia took to the shelves, sleeping in the bed on top of the bookcase and running down the 8 foot shelf like it had always been there. An excellent improvement. <br /><br />I started napping in the library (since there's a futon) and waking up to find that Mia was relatively nearby. <br /><br />Today though? While I was lying on the futon, she joined me. She let me pet her. She then curled up at my legs. Then she came closer so that she was curled up at my side and I pet her and she purred and we stayed that way for about an HOUR. It was amazing. I mean, yes, it's a normal cat thing to do, but this is after 10 months where I could not even touch her. (The one time in November or December when I tried to move them from one room to another, they were so frightened that they lashed out and the scars on my arm haven't quite faded away.) <br /><br />I want to write a thank you note to Jackson Galaxy because everything came from reading his book (and my parents watching his show.) A local carpet/flooring shop gave me a remnant (for free!) with which we could make all the shelves safer. And my parents are my *heroes* for coming down to KY and building these things. My parents don't even like cats all that much.... <br /><br />So what about the other three cats, you might be asking? My parents built them a whole damn catio. Seriously! My house has two decks and we made the smaller one into an enclosed space for the cats to play outside! Marlowe and Callie LOVE it. As soon as I go towards that door, they're following me. Marlowe even bats at the door to tell me he wants out. I can't say their behavior generally has changed but they were already pretty well adjusted. Widget isn't sure how she feels about the catio (I brought her out once whereas Callie and Marlowe, from day one, just went on through the door. Widget spent her whole time outside staring at the door to go back in.) <br /><br /><br />I hope Tam would approve. <br /><br type="_moz" /><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1759366" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1759074ARG STUDENTS2017-06-07T17:32:18Z2017-06-07T17:32:18Zgrumpypublic0So, if you didn't know this already, I'm an English professor, and more than that, I'm an English professor in an area where education is not really valued and where students are underprepared and I teach at an open enrollment school. So, while I DO get to spend at least one course per semester (and usually two) teaching literature, I also have to spend two courses per semester teaching composition. <br /><br />(This is particularly ironic since I never even took a composition course. I petitioned my way out of them at my own undergraduate college.) <br /><br />At any rate, summer enrollment is very low, for lots of reasons (many of them having to do with financial aid, and the lack thereof.) So I have only 5 students signed up for my online summer composition class. And yet I have spent more time dealing with one of these students in the past two days than I have with entire classes in past semesters. <br /><br />My only main point here is that writing IS important even if all you'll ever do is send an email. Because of the the dozen emails I've received from this student, I've had to puzzle through all of them and even sent two of them back, writing, "I don't know what you're trying to say here." And this student's most recent email was not even a full sentence informing me "I have the assignment done at 5." All right, but what? Does the student mean s/he <i>will</i> have the assignment done at 5? Does it mean that the student already has it done, and posted it <i>yesterday</i> or this morning at 5? And what assignment is this student talking about, since this was in response to an email about two different assignments? <br /><br />The kicker to all of this? THIS STUDENT IS A COMMUNICATIONS MAJOR.<br /><br />All I'm saying is, if someone tells you they don't write, or don't need to know how to write, point out how this sort of thing looks in any kind of business world. I'm not expecting everyone to be able to produce Shakespeare (and Shakespeare produced some questionable stuff at times, too...) but as casual a form as email has become, you still have to be able to convey ideas, right? Surely? <br /><br />Call me a snob, but I want a communications major -- and frankly ALL MAJORS -- to be able to communicate.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1759074" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1758768Hee.2017-05-04T00:54:07Z2017-05-04T00:54:07Zsomeone weed-whacking at 9pm, what the heck?public1So, remember how the nazis were late in showing up to their own party on Saturday? <br /><br />Turns out it was <i>because they got lost</i> and had to stop their caravan several times to get directions. <br /><br />BWAHAHAHAHA. <br /><br />As long as the fascists we have to deal with are only this smart, I'll be less concerned. <br /><br />Also, heimbach got served a summons while in Pikeville for his having (allegedly, I guess) pushed a black woman at a trump rally in Louisville. <br /><br />More information available <a href="http://www.unicornriot.ninja/?p=15131">here</a><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1758768" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1758673Nazis arrive2017-04-29T19:11:11Z2017-04-29T19:11:11Zsickpublic1Fashionably late (by over an hour), the traditional workers party and the national socialist movement* have arrived in Pikeville, dressed in black (polo shirts mostly), carrying flags and assault rifles. <br /><br />The Unicorn Riot interviewers are asking questions about things like whether they agree with heimbach (head of the twp)'s statement that interaccial couples need to be put into camps and re-educated (they answered yes) and whether hitler was a good person (heimbach answered yes). I just can't wrap my head around seeing such naked evil on display. <br /><br />I should be down there on the protest side. I'm a coward to not go... but I'm nearly 100% certain I'd lose my job if I did go.<br /><br />The campus chaplain is down there, in robes. He is my hero. (For lots of reasons, actually.) <br /><br />The two sides are about equal in size now. <br /><br /><br /><br />*Yes, it's petty, but I just can't bring myself to capitalize their names.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1758673" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1758247Protests in Pikeville2017-04-29T18:51:16Z2017-04-29T18:51:16Zthe cacophonous tones of people spewing hatredindescribablepublic0Well. <br /><br />A climate of fear seeped over UPIKE at the end of the week and only a tiny percentage of our students are on campus this weekend. The entrances to the school have been blocked off by buses. The planned diversity rallies were canceled. <br /><br />Campus ministries screened <i>Tickling Giants</i> (which is amazingly good) last night. On the other hand, it also made me feel truly cowardly for not going downtown today to protest the nazis. I'm afraid of losing my job if I do. People under oppressive regimes have true things to fear. <br /><br />I'm watching a livestream of the protests via Unicorn Riot and the local tv station. The nazi program was scheduled to start at 2, with their permit from 12-5. It's 2:30 and it appears that about a dozen nazis have shown up, all of them league of the south and not the twp who scheduled things. There are more like 200 antifa/ARA/and anti-nazi protesters on the other side of the street. The Oathkeepers also showed up and when interviewed tried to do some verbal dancing in saying that they're not in agreement with either side of the situation but how dare those protesters show up and give the nazis a bigger platform, and the nazis have the right to be in town because free speech. <br /><br />No kidding free speech. They absolutely 100% have the right to say whatever the heck they want. They are allowed to spew their disgusting rhetoric. <br /><br />But that doesn't mean they have a right to be agreed with. That doesn't mean they have a right to be listened to. That doesn't mean they have the right to not be drowned out by protesters' shouts, horns, and occasionally a tuba.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1758247" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1757959More on nazis in Pikeville2017-04-28T16:05:10Z2017-04-28T16:05:10Zfrustratedpublic0What set me off yesterday, I think, was the glibness of conversation happening around the twp/nazis invading Pikeville and how my colleagues were ignoring that, and yet rushing to talk about safety concerns due to antifa/ara. I sat there in the faculty meeting, arms crossed, realizing my body language was getting more and more defensive but just so angry that I couldn't bring myself to care.<br /><br />I know being angry all day / kicking a wall due to "presidential glibness" is overreaction. Please see my previous post to see my struggle to articulate the event. <br /><br />Anyway, to follow up, the university president has posted the following on our website and it is MUCH more evenhanded and better in tone and reassuring about not welcoming (or ignoring) the kinds of ideology that brings the twp here. (I ... don't know how to make an LJ-cut, 'cuz this isn't LJ. Sorry.... Stop reading here if you're not interested and visit me for my next post...) <br /><br /><br />from the university president... <br /><i>When my wife and I moved to Pikeville, Kentucky, we were immediately impressed with the kindness and hospitality of the people who call this region of the country home. Our little town is warm, safe, and has a charm that one would expect from a village nestled in the mountains on the edge of the south. Our university has been in this place for more than 125 years. We are blessed with caring, expert faculty in the arts and sciences, humanities and professions. Our medical school is exceptional and our new optometry college is highly innovative. Our university is diverse and welcoming. We have students, faculty and staff from across the country and around the world. Faces of all colors walk our streets, work in the local hospital and study on our hilly campus. We love it here. <br /><br />It now appears obvious that this weekend we will be invaded by people who want to bring hatred, fear, and violence to our part of the world. <br /><br />By now, you have probably heard about the rally sponsored by the Traditionalist Workers Party (TWP) that is scheduled for this Saturday in downtown Pikeville. They were not invited to our town and are not welcome on our campus. They chose to visit Pikeville for their own reasons, contacted the city, and were granted the right to assemble in our courthouse square. Groups of all sorts come to this same location in Pikeville. The city does its best to provide a safe place for free speech to occur, regardless of the political agenda. According to several reputable sources, the TWP is a Neo-Nazi organization that has a strong racist platform. If you have doubts about the truth of that statement, look them up online. Though violence tends to follow this group, they seem to be expert in provoking rather than being violent. <br /><br />As a university founded by Presbyterian ministers, we have worked hard to build and maintain a tradition of a hospitality toward everyone, therefore, we utterly reject racism in all of its forms. <br /><br />In fact, one of our students partnered with another student from the region to create a counter protest. They contacted the city and reserved the city park for their event. The Rally for Equality and American Values (REAV), was to be a family friendly alternative located just a few blocks from the TWP rally. They gathered significant financial support and had generated significant enthusiasm in the community. The hope was to have an event that would show the true spirit of Pikeville - family, equality, and peace - as a contrast to the rally at the courthouse. <br /><br />There were some concerns for safety. Would the TWP leave the courthouse and walk the five blocks to the park? Would a shouting match ensue? At a meeting between the organizers for the REAV and myself, we determined that if they moved to our campus we could help them increase the distance from the TWP. While the REAV was never an official university event, it did closely align with our mission and values. <br /><br />Over the last week or so, it has become apparent that at least two other groups are now planning to come to Pikeville. Anti-Racist Action (ARA) and Anti-Fascist Action (ANTIFA) have both made it known that they plan to send contingents to Pikeville this weekend to protest against the TWP. At first glance, it might appear that these two groups would be more closely aligned with the REAV and university positions, but you must look deeper. These two groups are vehemently opposed to the TWP, but their tendency to incite violence causes me grave concern. Review their history online and you will discover that their form of confrontation is usually not peaceful. <br /><br />As a university founded by Presbyterian ministers we have worked hard to build and maintain a tradition of a hospitality toward everyone, therefore, we utterly reject violence. Indeed, racism is a form of violence that is insidious. <br /><br />This week, in meetings with city officials, law enforcement, and others whose job is to watch these kinds of events we have come to the conclusion that the presence of the TWP, ARA, and ANTIFA in downtown Pikeville presents a real danger to the peace of our town. The likelihood of a violent conflict between these groups is too significant to ignore. When presented with this information, organizers of the peaceful, family oriented REAV gathering on our campus determined it was in the best interest of safety to postpone their event. <br /><br />If you have ever been to Pikeville, you would understand. We have limited parking here because we live in a narrow valley. It is impossible to keep crowds separated when there are large events that occur simultaneously. The risk posed by bringing peace-loving families into the same parking garage with the TWP, ARA, and ANTIFA was simply too great. <br /><br />The university agrees with the decision to postpone the Rally for Equality and American Values. We think it was the right decision for this day, but we wholeheartedly support their goal. We hope that in the weeks to come we can work to bring a peaceful event to our region that celebrates our diversity and upholds our values. <br /><br /></i><br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1757959" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1757865Hillbillies, Nazis, & Cowards: Springtime in Appalachia2017-04-28T04:51:52Z2017-04-28T05:10:27Zangrypublic0Quick background for those who don't know: I am a Yankee who has lived in 5 states, become over-educated, and is currently living, somewhat under duress in Appalachia. <br /><br />A few months ago, the traditional workers party declared that they were going to rally in Pikeville, KY (the town I currently live, work and teach in) to give training seminars and recruit new members. Their reasoning was that because this area is overwhelmingly white, poor, and voted for trump, that they'd have an easy time gaining new followers and support. (To give you an idea of the area, I routinely have students admit to me that they had never seen someone who wasn't white until they came to college. There are students of color at the university in which I teach, but they are almost uniformly recruited as athletes from other areas of the country.)<br /><br />As you can imagine, some people were upset about learning nazis were invading, and a med school student and a high school student stepped up to the plate like heroes and put together two rallies for unity and diversity and equality and peace. (Each rally has a long title that I can't remember, so I'll lump them both together as "diversity rallies" for this post.) There was meant to be a rally tomorrow (Friday) in Floyd County, and one Saturday in Pikeville, because those were the two areas in which the nazis declared they'd be demonstrating. <br /><br />(Yes, I know that some twp people wouldn't call themselves nazis. I don't care, at least for this post. If it talks like a nazi and acts like a nazi...) <br /><br />The diversity rallies very specifically said that they appreciated the general support of outsiders but requested that no outside groups come into the area, that they wanted this to be community based, a celebration of the people who live and work here. They invited veterans, politicians (from the spectrum), religious figures, and planned a really good looking schedule of events for Saturday. (I know more about Saturday's than Friday's, although I expect that Friday's would have been great, too.) <br /><br />Because the nazis plan to demonstrate downtown at the courthouse, the diversity rally planners wanted to gather and celebrate peace and unity at the park about 300 yards away. Some city officials got nervous about this and my university agreed (I suspect somewhat under duress) to host the diversity rally on Saturday instead. The university is significantly farther from the courthouse and up a large hill-- the high ground, you might say. This was never, however, really a university event. <br /><br />Many of us were truly hoping that the nazis would turn out to be three guys in a pickup truck and a confederate flag driving through town a couple times, but social media and such have definitely escalated the situation. Several anti-racist/anti-fascist but pro-violence groups have now also declared their intent to come into town on Saturday. (Some are already here, according to colleagues who know.) Their websites and online rhetoric suggest a plan for violence and for destruction. The city passed an emergency measure to ban hoodies and masks in response. Apparently these groups are the same ones (or branches of) that were causing destruction and violence in Berkeley.<br /><br />Let me state for the record that while I am anti-fascism, because duh, I'm also anti-violence. But I'm really super anti-nazi. So it's been upsetting me that the nazis got barely an eyebrow raise and the anti-fascist groups are getting "oh god, lock up your children, get off the street." I get that the reasoning is, apparently, because the nazi group gets right up to the legal line and dares the <i>other</i> people to cross it. <br /><br />I also get the university's lack of enthusiasm because I assume they fear reprisals, lawsuits, danger. <br /><br />I don't know how bad things might get Saturday. The university president has told us that there will be regular cops (we only have 21), state troops, and homeland security in town. There will be, and I can't believe I'm typing this, snipers on the roofs of the downtown buildings. Expectation from the various security groups talking, is 600 outsiders arriving to demonstrate and/or make trouble. I don't know where that number comes from (beyond the chief of university security). But to put it in perspective, if true, that's 10% the population of the town. (Pikeville is 6000 people, roughly, and much of that spread out.) So yeah, people coming to town, <i>looking</i> for trouble, it could be bad. <br /><br />I'm not suggesting that we, as academics, encourage our students to go looking for more trouble or danger or violence. But I'm still incredibly disappointed in my university, my adopted community, and my colleagues. (Not all of them, I should clarify.) <br /><br />I can't help but think back to my own undergraduate days. I wasn't particularly well informed on current events when I got to MHC, age 17, but I was quickly involved in things. I marched in my first protest my first semester. I was already enraged about gender inequality when I got to MHC; I quickly started to understand intersectionality (even though I didn't have that word til much, much later), mainly by thinking critically and being aware of the world and people around me. Even if MHC were not in a more liberal area (MA), I still cannot believe that something like this would happen anywhere near that campus. I cannot imagine the faculty not making a stand-- with university support. <br /><br />The university here? Has canceled the diversity rally. (I don't know who actually decided to cancel it, since the verbiage I've seen in emails and on social media has been vague. But hearing the university president in a meeting today makes me think pressure came from the university.) Obviously they've cited safety concerns. <br /><br />Judging from what I've seen on both sides of the fence's social media sites, yeah, I think both sides are looking to start trouble. Yeah, both sides are pointing out that KY is open-carry and stand-your-ground. Yeah, I think someone could be an idiot on Saturday in downtown and get hurt. <br /><br />But I think not supporting the diversity rally is a mistake. Where is the demonstration that this community doesn't want nazis here? The same thing that got us to this point (ignorance, reluctance to talk about let alone deal with the systemic and institutionalized prejudices and racism in this community and country) continue to fester, conversation quelled by fear and a reluctance to do the heavy ideological lifting. <br /><br />The rhetoric I've heard from colleagues lately has been "nazis? meh. but anti-fascists? run for the hills!" Again, let me reiterate, <b>I'm not advocating violence.</b> But where is the condemnation of the twp and what they stand for? Where is the soul-searching to understand what brought them here? Where is the demonstration that they're not wanted here? <br /><br />I know I just wrote a very long post, so it's ironic that in closing I'm writing "I can't put into words what I'm feeling right now about all this," and yet it's true. It's taken me all day to be able to articulate even this much. (For all my anti-violence, I did stupidly kick a wall and hurt my foot over this... Well, we make mistakes.) <br /><br />My instinct is to move away-- I've been wanting to for a while and November 9th clarified that for me-- but in some ways I'd be doing the same thing: shutting up, ignoring the problem, sweeping nazis under the rug.* So let this be a call to action to myself, too, to be braver, to stand up, to bring up the tough questions in class.<br /><br />(The title of this post comes from the fact that last weekend was Hillbilly Days, the area's biggest festival and the first thing that comes up in search engines if you look up Pikeville. It's supposed to be a reclamation of the idea of hillbillies but frankly what I've seen makes it look like it's mainly a reification of harmful stereotypes. When getting some dates confused earlier in the semester, I realized that April here this year is basically hillbillies and nazis. Ergo, title.)<br /><br /><br /><br />*and rug nazis might be even harder to remove than ordinary ones.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1757865" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1757615Now back to Exosquad!2017-04-21T05:48:09Z2017-04-21T06:30:55Zamusedpublic0I used to use my LJ for geeking out over random (sometimes VERY random) things. So now that I'm here at DW, going to do that in this blog, even though I have approximately 5 readers total and I'd have to guess that not a single one of you has even heard of what I'm about to geek out over.... <br /><br />So... in the early 1990s there was a cartoon called <i>ExoSquad</i>. It ran for 2 seasons and it had been created in an attempt to be an American anime, since dubbed anime had become popular over here. It was about mecha and space war and was inspired by World War II and was really impressive. I knew precisely <i>no one</i> who watched it. When I first saw it, I was about 14 years old. I caught an episode during a snow day or snow delay and was intrigued. I started setting my VCR to record episodes every morning (I think there were 2 a day at this point; it was already canceled and in repeats when I started watching it.) <br /><br />[Note that I recorded 2 minutes before and after everything I set a timer for, just in case the clock was messed up in some way. This means that along with every episode of ExoSquad, I also recorded the credits for some show about robots. The credits were entirely in rap. While these tapes still exist, I don't have access to them, so I don't know what show this <i>was</i>, but I can picture it and one day I'll have to find a way to hunt it down.]<br /><br />Anyway, at 14, despite having wonderful best friends, I was embarrassed to like this show. I did not think said wonderful friends would understand and they wouldn't have gotten into it like I did. (In retrospect, maybe they would have, maybe they wouldn't have.) Since this was circa 1994, I hopped onto America Online and found me a discussion board about the show. I lurked. It wasn't a super active board, since, as I mentioned, the show as already canceled by this point, but it was nice to not be alone in my love of this kids show. And when my favorite character was killed (spoiler for a 20+ old show, I guess), it was to this message board I turned in a panic. (I can't remember having a favorite character killed of in a show before that. I mean, since then, yeah, of course, as I've been a fan of the Joss Whedon-verse, <i>Supernatural</i> and <i>Game of Thrones</i>, so it's a common occurrence at this point.) <br /><br />So <i>Exosquad</i> was my first fandom, long before I knew the term fandom. And two of the characters (Alec and Maggie) were my first 'ship, long long before I knew what shipping was. <br /><br />In retrospect, this show was really good for me, in many ways. I mean, I was already a sci fi fan, so that wasn't new. But the fact that this show about space pilots had gender integrated squads, and <i>no one made a fuss about it</i>, in show, with the women just as capable (sometimes more) than the men? Well, it mattered. Maybe I didn't know it at the time, but it mattered. (This is the same time in my life that I spent frustrated and angry a lot, arguing with people about gender equality a lot. In this same time period, for example, I had a history teacher who literally called Abigail Adams "Some broad" and argued with me about women's importance in history. I needed this kind of entertainment. And the fact that it was aimed at children? And it wasn't putting this equality as a Message front and center? That was huge.)<br /><br />These days, every once in a while-- about annually, actually-- I get in the mood to either watch this cartoon or find something as good as it in the same genre. I'm almost always disappointed. (Note: please feel to recommend character/plot driven space opera in the comments.) Early last month I got pretty sick and was laid up for about 4 days (and then coughed for another 6 weeks when it became walking pneumonia and I was too stubborn to see a doctor. I digress.) I went through a space opera phase that week and dug out my DVD of <i>Exosquad</i>. I watched the first 13 episodes (the only ones on DVD) pretty much straight through. (It's a 20 minute cartoon and I wasn't capable of getting out of bed anyway, so don't judge me too harshly.) Then I hunted down the second season. (I wouldn't pirate things if they were legally available, so again, don't judge me!) <br /><br />Then I went to Connooga with <span style='white-space: nowrap;'><a href='https://pyrite.dreamwidth.org/profile'><img src='https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png' alt='[personal profile] ' width='17' height='17' style='vertical-align: text-bottom; border: 0; padding-right: 1px;' /></a><a href='https://pyrite.dreamwidth.org/'><b>pyrite</b></a></span> and upon seeing all the cosplay and while planning future cosplay, decided I was going to cosplay as an <i>ExoSquad</i> character, even though <i>no one is going to know who the F I'm dressed as</i>. FORTUNATELY, Pyrite is an enabler, even though she has no idea what this show is, so this is a plan that is going to happen (although it will take time as it requires brightly colored 1990s-future armor. Also, a wig. A lot of work, is what I'm saying. A lot of work do create a costume no one will recognize. Ahh, geekdom.)<br /><br />In the past year or so, I've also gotten into podcasts. Not many, to be fair. There are only a couple that I listen to routinely. (<i>Hidden Almanac</i> every MWF, <i>What the Folklore?</i> every Tues/Sun, and to which I donate on Patreon because I love it so much, and occasionally various others as the mood strikes but not routinely.) On a whim I searched PlayerFM (which I use for WTFolkore) for ExoSquad. And HOLY CRAP THERE'S A PODCAST. (If any of this post sounds amusing, you should check out said podcast, called "ExoSquad Goals".) I don't think I can explain what this means to me. Three guys talking about <i>ExoSquad</i> -- taking it seriously (but also being hilarious), looking at it like a real text, like it matters. <br /><br />Remember, I felt like this show was a guilty secret when I was a teen, and non-existent as an adult. I was so embarrassed about liking this show that when I found some of the toys at KayBee on clearance, and bought a couple, I <i>hid</i> them. From who?! I have no idea! My parents wouldn't have cared. I made up some excuse about them, that since they were on sale I bought them as inspiration for the sci fi I was writing at the time. To be fair, I did spend most of my time writing, but who needs an excuse to buy a toy?! And no, no one ever asked me about them anway.<br /><br />So yeah, I'm pretty damned pleased about this podcast and getting to geek out over this show.<br /><br />I'm not saying that <i>ExoSquad</i> was perfect. Like just about every mainstream piece of media, it has its issues. (And terrible hairstyles.) There are a few episodes that make me cringe. But it was also ahead of its time and just what I needed at 14.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1757615" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1757321DW Question2017-04-17T16:14:31Z2017-04-17T16:14:31Zpublic2So.... I *think* I've subscribed to journals, and when I go to said journals they've updated recently, but they're not showing up on my "reading" page. Anyone have a suggestion as to what I've done wrong? <br /><br />(I'm not sure this counts as an update, but it is a post... Expect ramblings about teaching, gardening, and April-the-Giraffe at some point, though.)<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1757321" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> commentstag:dreamwidth.org,2017-04-10:3020579:1756745Well. Hello DW2017-04-12T18:48:20Z2017-04-12T18:48:20Zpublic0I'm fairly certain I set up a DW account a long time ago, but I cannot remember who/where and it wasn't "Eilonwy", tragically. (It had already been taken.) So here I am, part of what is probably the Final Great LJ Migration. (Thanks, Putin.) <br /><br />I don't know if anyone is reading this, since I haven't checked out how the friend importing worked, and I haven't gone to find my DW friends yet, etc. But just in case, Hi!<br /><br />The main reason I went ahead an imported everything and came over here, other than to save all my stuff somewhere, is to keep anyone updated who might be interested, on Mia and Jessie, the cats I adopted from TamNonLinear. (I don't know how to make links to journals from DW yet. So much to relearn. So many years at LJ.) <br /><br />So a quick update before I head off to teach a class. Mia has gotten more outgoing. She yells at me if I haven't fed her recently enough. She comes out of her hiding spot frequently. I now leave the door to their room open (albeit with a baby gate) if I'm home (even at night) and she has never come out of that room (nor have the other three gone in) but she will come up to the gate at times. Most impressively, she will now take tuna from my fingers. (Well, y'know, <i>tuna</i>, so can you blame her?) <br /><br />Pretty much no update on Jessie. He remains hidden behind a curtain at all times. <br /><br />I can also say that Jaimie and Jasper are doing very well. They've integrated into their new home (although it did mean changes in the pet hierarchy/structure.) They're very loving with Pyrite (LJ name... don't know if she has a DW) and all is well there. <br /><br />I suppose at some point this journal MIGHT have something other than tweets, cat updates, and commentary on how damn much I miss Tam (every damn day), but... not today. :)<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=eilonwy2017&ditemid=1756745" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments